


Blonds Have More Fun

by illwynd



Category: Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Consensual Mind Control, Enemies With Benefits, Humiliation, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, Warning: Loki, blond jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-02 22:34:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6585268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illwynd/pseuds/illwynd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is amused by the Midgardian stereotype of dumb blonds and gets Thor to play along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blonds Have More Fun

**Author's Note:**

> If you have never seen _Earth Girls Are Easy_ , the relevant bit is [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9Wi3A3skb0).
> 
> Also, we all know that Loki is terrible, right? OK. Good.
> 
> Finally, I should probably make a series called Illwynd's Really Weird Fics, because this would be part of it.

Loki should not have been there, in Thor’s chambers on Midgard, while they were decidedly enemies and only weeks after their last confrontation. Thor’s mortal friends likely still bore the bruises.

And yet there he was, lounging on Thor’s sofa when he returned one evening, playing with the remote control device in his hand and chuckling at the events unfolding on the screen before him.

Thor almost did not want to know.

“Loki,” he began, “you should not have come without alerting me first. Did anyone see you enter?”

Loki spared him barely a glance and a beleaguered sigh. “Of course not, brother. Your secret is safe. Now get over here—I’ve found something delightful and I want you to see it.”

Thor did not obey at once, instead setting down his things, freeing his feet from his boots, and fetching a pair of bottles from the fridge.

“All right,” he said as he returned. “Now, what was it?”

Loki’s mouth twisted impatiently but he accepted one of the beers and then returned his attention to the rewinding of the program he’d found, the images speeding and leaping by on the screen.

As well as Thor could tell from that, it was a scene taking place on a Midgardian beach full of mortals in bright-colored, body-baring swim garb, and all of it focused particularly on a busty woman with long, curly blonde hair.

Thor also noticed the smirk threatening to twitch its way onto Loki’s face.

When he reached the point he sought, he released the button and let it play. In moments, the woman began to sing.

_“‘Cuz I’m a blonde, yeah yeah yeah…”_

Thor frowned at the screen, aware of the broadening of Loki’s grin beside him, the way he tried to sneak a look at Thor as the song continued. The blonde woman bounced perkily across the beach as she sang, with a dancing, cavorting group of other thin blonde women and fit blond men all around her.

_“... I don’t have to work, I just have to jiggle…”_

A chortle escaped Loki’s mouth, badly concealed by the hasty sip he took of his beer, and now he was entirely ignoring Thor’s suspicious looks.

The video continued in this manner until it contrived to show the blonde woman accepting a trophy bouquet, tossing her hair and batting her eyelashes cutely, expression happy but vacant.

_“... I just wanna say that being chosen as this month’s Miss August is, like, a compliment I’ll remember for as long as I can. Right now I’m a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA but my goal is to become a veterinarian because I love children!”_

Loki had been quite obviously trying to retain his composure right up until that point, but then it was shattered as he let out a sudden burst of laughter that built upon itself until he was nearly howling, gasping with one hand before his face, and collapsed back against the cushions, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

As soon as the song was over he fumbled his way back to a sitting position and hit rewind again, shoulders still shaking in mirth.

Thor stared at him, brows drawn, and he began to get up from the couch but Loki grabbed his wrist and yanked him back down.

“Come on, Thor, you must watch it with me again!”

Thor took a breath. “I… why did you think I needed to see this, Loki?”

“You don’t find it amusing?” Loki said, disappointed.

Thor did not dignify that with a response, but Loki only chuckled again.

“Perhaps I thought it would enlighten you in regard to the response you get in this realm.”

Loki then let the song play through again, and Thor watched, discomfort growing in him instead of enlightenment. Loki, who was still enthralled, didn’t appear to notice. “I never thought I would find myself appreciating anything about Midgardian culture, but this is truly marvelous,” Loki added after chuckling and giggling his way through it again.

Thor huffed.

How did Loki always do this? How did he always manage to find a subject that Thor had absolutely no desire to dwell on and make it the topic of all his jokes and comments until the thrill of Thor’s discomfiture wore off? How?

Thor waited until Loki had forced them both through it for a third time before deciding that he’d indulged his brother far enough.

“Alright, now you have shown it to me multiple times. Was there anything else you wanted while you’re invading my chambers?”

Loki turned to him with a nearly convincing expression of blinking surprise. “Oh, but Thor, don’t you see it? The jest is that to the mortals, hair of your color somehow signifies a head full of nothing but air. They do likewise with bodies, I’ve noticed, particularly of curvy women and muscular men. Seems you got, as they say, the double whammy. And Norns, does it show.”

Thor wanted to roll his eyes and dismiss the whole subject, but his mouth betrayed him. “What? What do you mean?”

Loki shrugged.

“No, tell me what you mean,” Thor demanded, stubborn.

The earnest look on Loki’s face was enough to tell that he was up to some game, had that not already been obvious. But he lifted a hand in an indifferent gesture and said, “Surely you’ve noticed how the mortals speak of you. Maybe not your pets—excuse me, _allies_ —but the others. One merely has to catch a single tabloid show when the Avengers have done anything newsworthy to hear what the populace thinks of the blond god in their midst. Bor’s beard, when they happen to quote you in print, they use all capital letters. And it isn’t a compliment.”

Of course Thor had seen those shows and had heard those jibes, though he had been trying to pretend to himself that he hadn’t.

“Very astute observation, brother,” Thor added, a little stiffly. Of course it would please Loki, after a lifetime of being the only one insulting Thor’s intelligence, to now have an entire realm full of mortals to agree with him.

“Oh, Thor. It isn’t like that. I just thought you might like to see that it’s not really about you at all, and they would undoubtedly treat anyone of similar appearance likewise,” Loki said with a motion toward the screen once more, toward the blonde woman still paused mid-wink upon it.

From anyone else, Thor might have accepted this as a kindly meant sentiment. But this was Loki, appearing out of the blue to harass him and spoil his evening after what had already been a difficult day. So Thor only frowned again and did not answer. And true to form, Loki waited only moments.

“Have you heard of blond jokes?”

“Loki!” Thor groaned.

“Do you know why blonds smile during lightning storms?”

Thor made a noise of distress.

“Because they think someone is taking their picture.”

Thor made the noise slightly louder.

“Wait, here is a better one: why are blonds unlike mosquitoes? … you are familiar with mosquitoes, right, Thor?”

Thor growled deep in his throat and glared at his brother, but naturally Loki did not care a bit about the implicit threat in his eyes. Instead he was already trying to smother his own laugh in anticipation of the punchline.

“The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.”

Thor did get to his feet then, forcefully, stalking into the other room, but Loki leapt up and followed.

“Thor, wait!” he called, still laughing. “You make it too tempting, really, if you don’t want me to—”

There was the tug of Loki catching hold of Thor’s shirt, and Thor spun to face him, anger sparking. “Loki, stop.”

Loki’s lip quirked, but his eyes softened—not that Thor trusted that any better.

“Come on, Thor. You shouldn’t care what they think of you. And particularly because of this—it’s a truly ridiculous mortal prejudice.”

“That’s why it amuses you so much to taunt me with it,” Thor answered, deadpan.

Loki shrugged, grinned, licked his lips. “Actually, it does something rather more than amuse me.”

The tension in the air all of a sudden—or had that already been there, had his heart already been racing?—pinned Thor frozen under his brother’s gaze as Loki took another step nearer and lifted his hand, as if to brush Thor’s hair back behind his ear. Instead he twirled a lock between his fingers.

“Beautiful blond Thor. Will you be my witless fool whose only use is in being gorgeous and taking cock?”

The words sent a twinge through Thor, with the pain of an insult Loki had used upon him too often, and also with a stab of helpless arousal. Backed against the kitchen counter and staring into the depths of intent green eyes, Thor gasped, mouth falling slack.

Loki smiled, and now it was not with mirth but a sharper, darker pleasure.

“We both know you’re not really dumb enough for that… well, in comparison to me, perhaps, but so vastly far beyond the mortals who have mocked you that it’s laughable. So perhaps you would like some help filling that role?”

“How?” Thor asked, throat feeling suddenly dry.

Loki grinned wickedly, dangerously. “I learned a few things from the scepter while I had it. I imagine I could make you quite agreeable, if you’ll let me.”

And that was definitely not the sort of thing Thor should have been considering. His allies would have been horrified if they knew he was thinking of permitting one of their greatest villains to have any such control over him. Even (or perhaps especially) when the villain was also his brother and the only being who could sate the worst and most shameful of Thor’s needs. The one with whom he secretly met—his allies would have approved of none of this, and might well have ousted him if they knew—for deeds of lust that Thor could not have otherwise admitted he desired.

Anticipation curled in his belly as he agreed.

Then, as Loki stood before him, beginning the first gestures of a spell…

“Wait,” Thor said, biting his lip, earning him a raised eyebrow. “You will not do anything…”

Loki tilted his head as Thor trailed off. “Villainous? No, Thor, I promise I won’t do anything that you could not usually be convinced to allow. Adequate?”

Thor nodded, and he could probably actually trust Loki to wish not to jeopardize their bedplay arrangement, if nothing else. Which was a fact that Thor occasionally felt strange about, but ultimately not enough to argue over.

“So, shall I actually begin without interruption this time?”

Thor felt a little blush come to his cheeks as he nodded again.

*

It had always been one of Thor’s deepest fears, one that he lived with each day and never voiced, one that was at once ridiculous and terrifying. He had quashed it and suffered it, and yet it never fully went away.

Deep down, he had always been worried that he _wasn’t_ clever. He feared that he did not live up to the bar set by his father, or the gentle expectations of his mother, and most of all that he wasn’t clever enough to be worthy of Loki’s attention. Even as a child, he had worried that his little brother had already surpassed him in wit and that someday Loki would grow bored with him and leave him behind.

So every time Loki had sneered and looked down his nose at Thor’s interests, calling them dull and brainless, or mocked him for nodding off over some treatise he had been assigned to read, Thor had lashed back with the force of the frightened. And so Loki had learned that it was a sore spot into which he could jab his insults whenever Thor had stirred his ire.

And now Thor could not help but think of it as he watched Loki’s face as he worked, the intensity of his focus making Thor even more nervous. He tried not to fidget, tried not to let the old insecurity bother him, but it lay like a stone, heavy and painful in the pit of his stomach.

Loki worked his spell over him while Thor worried, wondering deep within himself whether it had always been true—if Loki had surpassed him and grown bored with him. He wondered whether it had only been ego that made him think otherwise, and Loki had only ever indulged him, until he finally cared to do so no longer.

And then he happened to look up to meet his brother’s eyes just as something began to change within him, a slow, fluid warmth filling his chest. Loki’s eyes gazed into his, and Thor welcomed it.

The worries still rolling through his mind like an echo were quieted at the sight of that familiar green, and when Loki smiled Thor smiled back.

Everything in his mind was becoming muffled, a fog rolling in onto the shore.

And then it was done, Loki’s hands falling gracefully to his sides at the end of the gesture, and Loki closed the distance between them in a step. Thor simply waited, not sure what else he was supposed to be doing but certain that Loki would let him know what he intended.

“There you go, Princess. How does that feel?” Loki asked, his voice strangely, unexpectedly sweet in a way Thor could not have put a name to, except that it made him feel uncomfortable for the briefest of moments before the feeling washed away. In its wake he tried to focus on the question Loki had asked, swimming through the dense, thick fog upon his thoughts.

He blinked. “I… I don’t know.”

“Does it trouble you at all?” Loki asked, concerned. He brushed Thor’s hair back from his brow with gentle fingers, gathered it in a tail at the nape of his neck. Ran his hands along Thor’s shoulders. Thor turned his face to him again, still blinking.

His brother was very pretty, and very close, touching him. Despite the fog… there was one clear part of his mind left, and that part was warm and buzzing. Thor wanted Loki to kiss him. He wanted lots more than that. It was hard to think of exactly what, but he knew he _wanted_.

“Does it trouble you, brother?” Loki repeated, patiently, and this time Thor shook his head before he could forget.

“I want you,” he blurted out between breaths, and he wasn’t sure why but it made the warmth in his belly grow hotter when Loki only gave him a pleased smile.

“Oh, do you? And what will you do to have me, I wonder?”

Thor almost frowned, no bold vows or promises coming to mind. “I… whatever you would like.”

Loki’s smile broadened. “Well. Come with me, then, dear Princess.”

*

Loki told him what to do, and Thor was glad of that.

Loki guided him, leading him by the hand back into his own bedroom, and then Loki’s words guided him through every action Loki desired of him, and Thor was grateful. The fog in his thoughts would have made this impossible otherwise, but as it was, it felt good to simply obey, to do what Loki asked, to not have to worry what move his next should be, only having to do as he was told.

It felt good. It sparked its own little coil of pleasure inside him, joining the heat already there at the knowledge that Loki was definitely going to fuck him, and that was what he craved.

“I would like to see your body, brother. Will you show me? Take off your clothes? Just go slowly, one garment at a time, so that I can savor it,” Loki said once the bedroom door had shut behind them, and Thor shivered as he began from the intensity of Loki’s gaze upon him as he began to undo the fastenings of his garments.

Loki had arranged himself on the chair across from the bed, legs spread and one hand resting lightly on the visible bulge at his crotch, by the time Thor was down to his own underclothes. The thin undershirt pulled over his head, leaving him momentarily blind as he tugged it off. Then bending over to push down the shorts—he heard a creak of Loki shifting in his seat to get a better look—leaving him completely naked. He stood up again, vulnerable and excited, hard cock bobbing in the cool air of the room, wanting to touch himself but keeping his hands at his sides because Loki had not told him to.

“What should I do now, Loki?” Thor asked.

Loki’s answer was a gesture for Thor to turn, and he did so, twirling slowly, letting Loki take in the sight of him from all angles.

“Oh, Thor. You are lovely. Truly. No one could ever care that you haven’t got any brains in your head, looking like that. They would forgive any such lack, just to get to look upon you.”

Thor flushed at the compliment, wanted to preen, to show off his body for his brother even more if Loki enjoyed it so. Yet he was even gladder when Loki ordered him onto the bed, telling him to lie down on his back, knees bent and legs spread, and he lay there practically squirming with desire while Loki shucked off his own clothes, glancing up toward him every few moments.

Loki laughed when he caught Thor looking. “My, you do need it, don’t you?”

Thor had been watching, and the first glimpse he’d gotten of Loki’s bare cock—already almost fully hard, the ruddy color of the tip so enticing—Thor’s need had been stoked like a flame, and now as Loki stood fully naked at the side of the bed, Thor found he could not stop the slow, rolling motion of his body. His body calling out to be filled, to be fucked. Hips rocking and back arching, the deep, aching, pent-up lust taking over in the emptiness where his thoughts would usually be. And even as Loki laughed at him he couldn’t stop. He let out a whimper.

While he whimpered Loki climbed onto the bed beside him, crawling up to stroke a hand down his chest, fingers tweaking at his nipples, bending low to lick them.

“Do you know, if the mortals could see you right now, you would simply confirm all their suspicions about you. Blond and brainless and gorgeous and so whorish it’s as if you were made to be on your back. Isn’t that right?”

Thor wasn’t even sure what he was agreeing with, but he nodded anyway, because Loki’s hand was trailing lower, down the firm, trembling plane of his belly, teasing at the curls of his pubic hair, grasping his cock and giving it a few firm strokes that made Thor throw his head back and moan aloud.

“And they wouldn’t be entirely wrong, would they, imagining you wishing to spend your life unclothed and with your legs spread, fucking and being fucked and with nothing else in your pretty head but that. You would enjoy that.”

Thor could not really think, but the sparks that lit him at the words required no thought.

“And aren’t you so fortunate to have a brother who can keep up with your appetites and keep you sated.”

Thor nodded again, desperately, and Loki fetched a small bottle from the bedside and drizzled the slick contents over his fingers before trailing them down over Thor’s aching balls, between his legs, to press inside him. Loki moved slowly at first, almost teasing.

“Some would say that is proof of just what a witless fool you truly are, brother,” Loki added as he began to pump his fingers in and out, twisting them, stroking Thor from the inside. “That you would keep calling for _me_ , after all I’ve done, and letting me do things like this to you. I can’t say they’re wholly wrong about that, either. It’s not very intelligent of you. But it feels too good for you to care, I deem.”

Thor could only whimper, pleading. Loki chuckled again.

“Oh, I do like you like this, not even trying to pretend anymore. Not even trying to hold onto a prince’s dignity, a hero’s honor, just giving in to what you want. Tell me you want my cock, my dear little dullard, and you shall have it.”

Something about the way Loki said it made Thor feel strange though he didn’t know why, something clenching in his chest and making him squeeze his eyes shut, but also he wanted Loki’s cock badly, and just the thought of it made his heart beat faster, his breath catching in his throat. He needed to be fucked, needed to be filled. The fog in his mind left room only for that.

“Loki, please…” Thor begged, hips rocking, his own hard cock bobbing and dripping over his belly, balls already drawn up tight against his body. “Please give me your cock. I need it…”

Loki leaned forward over him and kissed him. And then he lined himself up… and did not take him. Instead dipped the head of his cock in just enough to stretch him before drawing back out, teasing again and again.

Almost beyond words, Thor made a futile sound of protest and tried to pull Loki in with his legs, tightening them around his brother’s middle and drawing him nearer with his ankles. But Loki resisted, instead grabbing his legs and pushing them up by his knees until Thor was folded nearly in half.

“No, no, no, sweetheart. I’ll give it to you in my own time,” Loki insisted, and then went back to fucking Thor with just the head of his cock, until Thor was panting and mindless from desperation, wordless whimpers and plaintive moans pouring out of him.

And then, just when it seemed the teasing would go on forever, Loki plunged inside, holding Thor’s ankles—making him feel even more open—and pounding into him fast and hard.

And then there was nothing for Thor to do but lie there and feel.

After a few moments he was only vaguely aware of the world beyond the place where their bodies were joined, the fog in his mind having taken over everything but that. The heat in his belly was a burning blaze, and the long, fulfilling strokes of Loki’s cock inside him were the only thing he cared about in all the realms.

And it was strange how light and happy that left him feeling, the absence of anything else, any other concerns to weigh him down. When he managed to focus, to find Loki gazing at him with fascinated eyes, he felt himself smiling, carefree and riding on the waves of pleasure that each thrust sent through him. He arched, beyond words but still inviting Loki to kiss him, to touch him, to press their bodies together, and eventually Loki let go of his ankles and took the invitation, dropping onto elbows and nuzzling against him.

Loki’s hands stroked Thor’s hair, toying with it and tugging at it and sweeping it across his cheeks playfully. It felt so right, and Thor felt nothing but happiness as Loki kissed him deeper and fucked him harder and held him tighter and pushed him right over the edge, without a single real thought left in his mind.

*

When the fog dissipated, it left behind an emptiness, a hollow place that was filled at a trickle as he began to remember, piecing it all together.

Cruel insinuations and condescension and sweetly whispered insults, after making him unable to understand that he was being insulted, so that he preened while it happened, and smiled like a fool, and did not so much as protest.

He looked over at Loki again now as he remembered, and it was like a blow to the chest, because Loki was merely catching his breath against the head of the bed, naked and yawning and apparently untroubled. Loki had done and said all those things, and thought little enough of them that he was not now even treating it as an offense with which Thor might take issue.

Thor could not stop the tears that sprang to his eyes. But he could huff quietly and roll to his other side to stifle them against his pillow and hope that Loki would not notice.

“Thor?”

No such luck. At any moment Loki would surely mock him for _this_ now, to heap another injury upon him.

“I can’t believe you said that,” he managed to rasp past the lump in his throat. He could not have pointed to which of the dozens of things Loki had said that now most upset him, but it hardly mattered.

Loki’s answering sigh was exasperated. “Thor, you cannot possibly be mad at me now. You said _yes_. You knew what I was going to do, and you enjoyed it while it was happening.”

Thor thought about this, teeth gritted. It was true, Loki had not broken his vow. He had not forced upon Thor any acts that he would usually shun, and Thor _had_ known what Loki intended when he agreed. But somehow it still did not seem fair. He _hurt_ in ways he had not expected.

So he nodded against the salt-damp spot on the pillow and stayed quiet, except for the uncontrollable sniffling.

After several silent minutes and several more exasperated sighs, Loki spooned up behind him, arm going around his middle, his breath tickling the hair at the back of Thor’s neck.

“Thor,” Loki said.

Thor made a sniffly, questioning noise.

Loki sighed again, very near Thor’s ear. “I will never again admit this, and I hate that I’m saying it now, but… I want you to know that I don’t believe any of the things I said. If it were true, I would have no need to mock you for it. If it were true, it would be too cruel to do so, and no matter what you believe I do love you and don’t like to see you suffer needlessly.”

Loki pressed a brief kiss to Thor’s naked shoulder, raising goosebumps there and making Thor shiver, before he went on.

“I like to pretend that I am cleverer than you because being clever is all I have. I don’t have multitudes of adoring admirers or a magical hammer telling me I am worthy. So I call you those things because I want to believe I could be superior to you in even one respect. But I know it is not true. In all else you are better than me, and in that we are merely equals, or near enough as to make no difference. If we weren’t, I would have undoubtedly defeated you in our combat by now, don’t you think? So take comfort, brother.”

For a moment, Thor breathed in silence, tears drying in his surprise and warmth in the feeling of Loki’s lips just brushing the back of his neck, the way his soft breathing shifted their bodies against one another.

Thor was not surprised when Loki’s voice broke the quiet a moment later, this time lighter, a tinge of laughter to it, a slight squirm as if he had been too honest, too kind.

“And of course you do make it too fun to tease you. You should know I cannot resist that, brother, you really should know better than that…”

But Thor smiled anyway, warm inside from the feel of Loki’s arm tightening around him, loving and protective, despite the jest of his words. Despite the years they had spent as enemies, despite all the troubles there had been between them.

And that was good enough for him.


End file.
